I want to write a story about going to look at a house. About buying a house. About falling in love with a house. About falling out of love with a house. About hearing the highway in the distance for the first time much too late. About feeling ashamed. I want to tell the story of how much a house meant to me. About needing a better house—a bigger house; a cleaner house; a quieter house; a kinder house. When I was a child, a house meant a family and I was so wrong, but I still didn’t have a family, at least not what I thought a family should be.
I’ll probably write that story because I know the place and it would be about a place first and foremost. I know real estate magazines like hitting a cigarette and I know sunspots like happiness you remember that you never knew. Last night we went to this dark spot out far on Delphi Rd. with lots of 28 year old Olympia people wearing black and Djing witchy noise and serving cocktails with real cucumbers, etc. in Solo cups. It was a very cool spot and for some reason I didn’t feel too intimidated by the crowd—mostly younger men with long, greasy hair eating freshly killed legs of lamb—what more can you ask for? There were a couple of kids there looking petrified at the darkening sky set to the music of what I would’ve imagined as hell. I kept wondering what their memories would be of this event—it seemed impossible that they wouldn’t have any, it was so sensational, and plus it felt sticky, like a nightmare at times.
I wondered if they’d grow up to revere well-kept houses and drinking single beers for taste like I did. Of course, I had to go through my phase of not giving a fuck which of course came at the exact worse time and so I didn’t end up graduating high school. I guess I’d still like to stand up for myself and think more in the realm of high school came at exact wrong time and not the other way around.
Anyways, nobody really talked to me other than the girl I came with and a couple of people I knew from work, but it still felt nice to be there—loosening I suppose.
3:43 pm • 9 September 2014 • 2 notes
photo of a self portrait of drawing a self portrait on the last morning of twenty-two
4:11 pm • 2 September 2014 • 2 notes
Notes on the Internet
Everything’s been said or done before, including this I’m sure, but that’s what’s so cool—
The internet is the ultimate representation of how our thoughts and interests are not our own, but are in fact influenced, informed, and made up of many things outside of ourselves. In this way the Internet is a (more obvious) mirror of reality because it is through the public regurgitation of culture / order / beauty / idea / likes / dislikes / current affair concerns /etc. that we build our virtual identity or “Internet self”.
The Internet / many platforms on the Internet are essentially a place for people to author themselves publicly and this makes our role as subject (a person who is both the agent of their choices and also subjected to the Other or culture or the imposed symbolic order) quite obvious.
In reality it is much more subtle but essentially the same thing occurs. Recognizing this does not have to bleak or discouraging, instead it can make us realize how important and influential the knowledge, aesthetics, and/or message we pass on truly is. And then, from there, we can choose wisely what we share, reblog, like, and comment on, not just for the creation of our own identity, but also in order to question the symbolic Order, influence culture / the Other in a way that we see as important or “forward-moving”, if that’s the goal.
In real life we can start to recognize how political our bodies and words can be, and also how malleable meaning is. Start to think of yourself in context as that is how you are what you imagine as “your self”, and don’t ignore or disregard where you came from, literally or on the level of ideas, on the quest for individuality. Being able to map your own progression of thought is an important skill for sharing knowledge with others.
You don’t have to worry about not appearing unique because everyone is coming from their own specific set of cultural influences, environments, experiences, etc. and thus appears quite different. The Internet is such a positive tool for sharing the knowledge that needs to be shared, and this should not be overlooked or discredited. At the same time Internet spaces/identities must also be open for critique, which I believe many are.
Last, we must not mistake Internet action for “real” action. Both are valuable, but we must try to be as open with our opinions in reality as we are able to be online. Learn to talk about what you believe in and never stop listening. And something that may be hard for me to express in words, but seems important to try anyways, is that you can learn from the way I believe many feel about the internet, that the “grain of difference” between the internet and reality that can be felt at many times and create a longing for something more “real” or “sincere” also exists in reality itself with whatever is outside of culture.
This quote by Zadie Smith, from her New School commencement speech, speaks to exactly what I am writing about —
“I think none of us want communities to rise or fall dependent on the whims of the very rich. I think we would rather be involved in each other’s lives, and that what stops us most often is fear. We fear that the work of many hands will obscure the beloved outline of our individual selves. But perhaps this self you’ve been treasuring so long is in fact the work of many hands. Speaking personally, I owe so much to the hard work of my parents, the education and healthcare systems in my country, to the love and care of my friends.”
2:08 pm • 20 August 2014 • 1 note
CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS: THE CHAPESS ZINE
we are now taking submissions for issue 5!
classic zine style, b&w photocopied A5
poetry, politics, creative non/fiction, rants, apologies, love letters, interviews, illustration, collage, photography, personal essays ~ bein a woman summer 2014
each issue really is shaped by the submissions we receive, please send the weirdest + best shit you got to email@example.com
There’s gonna be a launch for this issue in Manchester with the lovely folks from the Salford Zine Library too! (exact date tba)
4:31 pm • 21 July 2014 • 93 notes
i am reading the chronology of water by lidia yuknavitch and i never want it to end, ever.
7:52 pm • 20 July 2014 • 5 notes